How to write an obituary

Gather the facts first

Before you write a sentence, get the facts in one place. It is much easier to write warmly when you aren't hunting for a date. Ask one or two relatives to check them with you.

• Full name, the name people actually used, and a nickname if they had one.
• Age, the town they lived in, and the date and place of death.
• Birth year and town. You can leave out the full birth date (see what to leave out).
• Spouse or partner, children, grandchildren, brothers and sisters, and who died before them.
• Work, military service, faith or congregation, clubs and the things they loved doing.
• Service details: visitation, funeral or celebration of life, burial, with dates, times and places.
• Where people can donate instead of sending flowers, if the family wants that.

The order most obituaries follow

American obituaries follow a shape readers know, so they can find the service time quickly. You don't have to keep to it, but it is a good default:

1. The announcement: name, age, town, when and where they died.
2. Early life: where they grew up, parents, school.
3. Work and service: career, military, the jobs they were proud of.
4. Love and family: marriage, children, the home they made.
5. Who they were: passions, habits, a story the family retells.
6. Survived by and preceded in death by.
7. Services, then donations, then thanks to caregivers or hospice.

One change worth making: put the paragraph about who they were before the list of relatives. The strongest obituaries we have read do this, so the reader meets the person before the family tree.

Write the opening line

You can open with the death ("Margaret Ellen Haas, 84, of Dayton, died October 2 at home") or with the person ("Margaret Haas could fix a lawnmower, bake a cherry pie and beat you at euchre on the same Saturday"). Both are fine. The second kind is read to the end more often, because it sounds like someone who knew her.

"Passed away" is the most common phrase in American obituaries, and "died" is just as respectful. If faith is central, "went home to be with the Lord" or "may her memory be a blessing" belong here too.

Make it sound like them

The difference between a good obituary and a generic one is a few small, true details. Ask the family for:

• A phrase they always said.
• A small habit: the brand of coffee, the way they folded towels, the seat they always took.
• A story the family tells at every holiday.
• One thing they were famously bad at.
• What they would want people to know, in their own words.

Then cut the phrases every obituary uses: "his legacy lives on", "touched the lives of", "never met a stranger", "infectious smile", "a life well lived" and "all who knew him". They are kind, but they could be about anyone. One real detail does more than all of them together.

How long should it be?

Most full obituaries are 200 to 450 words, about five paragraphs. A newspaper notice is often much shorter, because papers charge by the line. A good plan is a short notice in print and the full story online, where length costs nothing. See short obituary examples and what a newspaper obituary costs.

Keep the family safe

Identity thieves read obituaries. Leave out the full birth date, the mother's maiden name and the home address. If you list the service time, ask someone to stay at the house during the funeral, since burglars know when a home will be empty.

Sources: [1], [2]

Read it aloud, then share it

Read the draft aloud to someone who knew them. Mistakes in names and dates are easier to hear than to see, and you'll hear quickly if a sentence doesn't sound like them. Then ask one more relative to check the family list, because a missing grandchild is the error people remember.

When you're ready, you can write it with our traditional template. It asks the questions above one at a time and builds the draft from your answers, and you can edit every word.